Dear Diary

Friends, sharing a page from lightworker's diary! Hope you enjoy it!

April 3, 2018

Dear Diary.

Had an epiphany today while in the bathroom. Ain’t that a cliche! So, here goes the history and background. Let me know what you think

So far in the last few years, as you know, I have felt convinced that I am ready to welcome death (when it comes,  not suicide, you dumbo, I’ll never take a human soul’s vessel, especially mine 😁). So, even if the death angel were to come now, I’d be ready. I have been, really and you know it. It kinda takes an uber level of contentment/ confidence in future/ security, OR on the other extreme, an uber level of dissatisfaction from past & present. Not sure where I get mine from, but regardless I believe that “I have arrived where I was supposed to” and everything and everyone around me will be taken care of. Weird, possible even delusional confidence, but true nevertheless. That kinda gives you a different level of purpose in life, similar to when you know ‘when’ you are going to die. Reminds me of the great "Babumoshay" of "Anand" fame. I am sure that life has lessons in store for me and I will likely get slapped on my wrist that will challenge this agonizingly beautiful paradigm of mine, but we will see about that when that happens. LoL. At least thats what I thought. So, I had been challenging myself towards verification and re-verification of that time and again and I did not know that that was going to happen today.

Back to bathroom.. as I was standing and …mhmm..mhmm.. and was re-challenging myself - “Are you ready to die right now Anupam?”. I received a resounding ‘Yes’, like it has been for the last few years. But this time around it suddenly occurred to me, “Bloody shit (sorry Diary..), WHAT IF I had been very self centered or even selfish in this thought?”. Time to re-verify!! Another question flashed in my head as I was pondering over this. “I am surely ready to die right now. but are my loved ones ready for me to die?” Are they? That is when I realized that I was probably being a tiny bit selfish by thinking that It was ok just for "me to be OK" to die, but I hadn’t even thought, if my loved ones instead would be ok for me to die, right now. Well, may be they wouldn't be. It would be kinda sad if they were ready for me to die wouldn't it, the thought flashed.

Hmm.. may be I can fix that by letting them know about my life insurance policies blah blah to give them somewhat better financial security…but how about emotional readiness? Would they be emotionally ready?…. That thought drifted into yet another one for re-verification as my paradigm was being challenged by Anupam (me talking to myself, lol)…Ok, as I pacified myself, so may be I have some more to learn, still, may be something else to fix, like prepare for the worst, get a will, discuss with my family, have this removed as a taboo, be comfortable etc etc… after all everyone dies, right? So why the big taboo, eh? Go have the damn conversation. Period.

And then it occurred to me!! The epiphany. “Ok Anupam, fine, with this version of re-verification, I realize that I may be I still have a few things to take care of, before I spiritually get there, before my loved ones too are ready for 'me to die', but, But, BUT, am I, am I, AM I ready for my loved one’s instead to die, right now???”.

My mind spaced out and I had a colloqial syncopic feeling swarm all over my body followed by shiver up the spine. It was then when I realized before I would fall down, “Oh Crap! I have attachments, physical IRL, that I still don’t really feel content or uber secure about!!”. Both answers led to a blank in my head! What was I missing? Am I really not as secure as I thought!??!! I surely am not there spiritually yet! What a bummer! What would it take for me to get there? Blank again.. well.. time to rethink my pursuit of spirituality? Is this why, what and where everyone already is at this time and is not ready to die yet? And I am figuring this out only now?? Dumb me. Three years of delusion ends. Back to drawing board Diary. What a bummer!! Yikes. Thanks, but no thanks.